Remember when Morpheus said that to Neo in Martix? Morpheus was trying to explain to Neo that he could not only move as fast as the agents but that when he truly realized his status as "the one" he would not have to bother running from the agents. Neo replied, "Are you trying to tell me I'll be able to dodge bullets?" Morpheus quipped, "I'm telling you when you are ready you won't have to".* Yesssss. I want that! I want that secure knowledge of who I am and what the bullets are. Morpheus understood that the bullets were manipulative constructs of the Matrix. He had transformative awareness and knowledge. This kind of knowledge seems to do more than just inform. It protects. Keeping with the Matrix parallel, I could say that kind of knowledge protects that which matters most. My sense of security.
I had a really stressful week at work. We had state testing this week and I am the co-coordinator for the testing materials. It is vitally important that we maintain the proper level of security and administer the appropriate tests to each student. The primary source of stress, however, came from the fact that I had to spend a solid week working very closely with a difficult person. Let's call her Carma.*** She exudes, to put it kindly, a poisonous personality so her presence requires tremendous focus and grace on my part. Challenging.
By Friday, I felt exhausted from all the effort I exercised showing grace to a brute. I felt bruised after being pelted by her incessant, thoughtless, slights. I started to feel the situation was so unfair. Here I am living with noble intentions to treat others with the dignity our common humanity deserves but others are not so thoughtful. How can I continue handling a thoughtless person with care and grace if there is no reciprocity to motivate my good behavior? Therein lies the rub.** I do not choose to handle others with care because they have earned it. My decision is not based on who they are; rather, my decision is based on who I have chosen to be.
Working so closely with a difficult personality this week tested my resolve to its limit. Being stretched to my limit can be an awesome opportunity to stretch into a deeper realm of wisdom though. What do I do when I reach my limit? I analyze (with honesty) what I am feeling and why I am feeling it. After such reflection, I usually find myself holding a bit more insight for living.
What insight did I gain from my painful work week? I gained a healthier perspective. My focus need not be on keeping others from doing what they ought not do nor should I agonize over whether I may have deserved ill treatment. My focus is best placed in the present moment. What is happening right now and how should I respond with grace and kindness? I cannot stop the bullets. They come. Settling into my identity, though, means I do not have to out run those bullets. I do not even have to dodge them. They do not penetrate me. I see them for what they are. My personal security and refuge is not permeable to the poor behavior of others. Nothing penetrates my mind or heart unless I allow it.
Carma's insensitive conversation and manipulative work ethic do not have to pelt me. Bruise me. Penetrate me in the least. I see the bullets for what they are: evidence of her unskillful living and low self worth. No one with high self worth and skillful living practices needs to belittle another. Mean-spirited conversation never comes from a place of secure power or peace.
I do not have to control the people I encounter. What a relief! Their bullets will come at me, but I see those bullets for what they are. Evidence of their insecurities. Like Neo, I do not have to dodge them. They do not penetrate me.
Find refuge in truth this week.
*This is a paraphrase.
**Hamlet.
***This name and scenario is slightly varied to protect the identity of this challenging personality. Well, really it's to protect me from this challenging personality. Carma sounds like Karma.
Copyright© 2010 by Quandra T. McGrue
