Perceptions

I saw an interesting commercial years ago. The object of the advertisement is not what impressed my memory. I have no idea what it was advertising. In the commercial, a man wearing a nice white shirt was apparently cooking a special dinner. He had pots of food brewing, wine breathing, and a pesky cat scampering. The cat ran across the counter knocking over a pot of red sauce while the man was chopping veggies with a big knife. Red sauce stained the man's shirt and the cat. Just as this happened, the man's girlfriend came through the door and saw the man with a knife in his hand chasing their cat, both dripping with red stain. The girlfriend had a horrified look on her face because it appeared her boyfriend was trying to kill their cat. She entered the apartment just in time to form an untrue perception. Her perception, despite being untrue, was real to her.


This commercial made me think. This woman had reasonable evidence for her erroneous perception. Reality turned out to be quite the opposite though. Not only was her boyfriend not a psychotic cat killer, but he was sweet enough to have tried to surprise her with a home-cooked meal. This made me think about choices. In a seemingly tumultuous situation when I have reasonable evidence to suggest a problem is coming, I can choose to believe the situation is not as awful as the evidence suggests.



I create my own perception
I like this idea. In any situation, I can choose between two perceptions: one that pushes me toward my desire or one that hinders my progress. It is so easy to see the gloom, but with a little shift in consciousness I can learn to practice healthier perceptions. Actually, I could go so far as to say a so-called problem is only a problem if I decide to label it as such. What if I label it as something else? A teaching moment? Very Obama-esque. A life lesson? An opportunity to exercise new character muscles? I could come up with a number of new labels. Helpful labels. The exciting part is that my perception of any situation is my own creation. I am not a victim of circumstance. Rather, I am a creator of opportunities. If humans are made in the image of God and He is the ultimate creator, then we have a creative aptitude that we can nurture.



Recent opportunity
For about a week, I was having a weird problem with my stick shift. It would get stuck in park. In most cases, it took me about 15 seconds to get the stick out of park. In the back of my mind, the fear that it might be a prelude to an expensive problem tried to take root. Last night, I could not get my stick shift out of park. It literally took a full 20 minutes for me to finally get it out of park. Knowing little about cars, I feared it might be a transmission problem. A transmission problem sounded expensive. I made a conscious decision to develop a more helpful perception of the situation.


There is probably a relatively inexpensive solution to this problem, I thought to myself. I called NTB, the only mechanics I know in Austin so far, and I asked Aaron if the problem I was having sounded familiar. He gave me an answer full of mechanic jargon. I have no idea what he was talking about, but it sounded expensive. He used the word transmission a couple of times, but beyond that I do not know what he said. I acknowledged and released the fear his mechanic language inspired.


There is probably a relatively inexpensive solution to this problem and this is my opportunity to learn it, I re-affirmed to myself. As I struggled with my stuck stick shift, I meditated on what I was grateful for. I was not on my way anywhere important, so running late was not a concern. It was not dark. I was not abandoned in a remote area but relatively safe in a nice shopping center. I even considered taking a break from the shift situation to have an early dinner at the nearby Whole Foods but decided against it because I was still full from a big lunch. Gratitude meditations always soothe my concerns.


I finally got my stubborn stick shift out of park. I drove to NTB still affirming this was an opportunity to learn something helpful without spending an inordinate mechanic fee. Once I arrived, Aaron asked one of his mechanics, Dave, to follow me to my car so he could observe the problem. He started the car and the stick shift was stuck. He conducted some trickery I could not see from my angle and then easily shifted my car out of park. He pulled a rabbit out of my stick shift. Magical.


Dave said: "You know you can just slip your key into this hole, put it in neutral, start the car, and then your stick shift will work. You just need a new stick."


"Shit", I said, "Why couldn't Aaron tell me this over the phone 20 minutes ago?" Dave and I both laughed.


"It's not easy to explain that over the phone," Dave offered. "People get confused and..."


"No, I think I would have understood that," I interrupted. "Slip your key in the hole next to the shift. I could have handled that", Dave and I kept laughing.


I could have reacted to Dave's lesson a little better. I am not one for much profanity, but I have noticed I use it most often with mechanics. That aside, I was grateful for the outcome. I learned how to maneuver around the problem and it did not cost anything (just right for my budget).



Develop a healthy perception and see what happens...
In challenging situations, I choose to perceive it in a way that motivates me towards the future I want. I like the way Anthony Robbins put it once (I am paraphrasing) when you are managing a curve on a race track, do not stare at the wall you are trying to avoid crashing into. I did not want to buy a new car or spend too much money on repairs, so I developed a perception that took me to my desired future. I chose not to focus on what I did not want. This is not a surefire way to coax the cosmos into giving me whatever I want, but it motivates helpful behavior.


If I have a hopeless perception of reality, I will not be in a healthy enough state of mind to solve the so-called problem. When I choose a perception that makes room for the possibility that I can get what I want, it is like gently planting my mind in rich soil with plenty of water. I give my mind the chance to sprout good ideas. Had I wallowed in the frustration of my stick shift woes, then I would have called my roadside assistance representative and had the car towed home while agonizing over how expensive the repairs would probably be. I would have missed the opportunity to laugh with Dave while he showed me the ridiculously easy way to fix my stick.

• Her boyfriend was not a psychotic cat killer.
• My transmission was not broken.
• Any unemployed person can find or create the work of their dreams despite the recession.
• My vacation can be fun even if it rains.
• My dreams want to find me; they are just waiting for me to ask the right questions.
• The list of positive perceptions is endless...

Why not believe these and other healthy perceptions of reality? When faced with a potential problem, why not label it with a healthier perception and see what happens?

Copyright (c) 2009 by Quandra T. McGrue

Being Authentic

I read a book entitled 9 Things You Simply Must Do to Succeed in Love and Life by Dr Henry Cloud. It is an awesome book that highlights healthy habits that can enhance your life if applied. One chapter deals with humility. Dr Cloud offered a definition of humility that set my perspective on a very helpful tilt: "humility is not having a need to be more than you are".



Why do I need to be more than I am in the eyes of others?

I think there is a difference between healthy ambition and the need to appear greater than I am. I think this need to appear more than I am is motivated by a healthy desire for acceptance. A need for acceptance is an evolutionary advantage. Being part of the pack means survival. This idea is harder to appreciate in America's independent culture. I love the Psychology Today magazine. An article I read years ago cited an interesting research project that is relevant to this idea. The researchers were using monkeys and observing their social behavior. They observed the tendency of the more social monkeys to constantly reach out to the loners. I do not remember who conducted this research project or the research question. The thing about the study that has lingered in my memory is the apparent assumption on the part of the social monkeys. They continuously reached out to the loners despite the loners' consistent detachment because they had an innate assurance that the loners would be better off among the group. I think that is a profound example of the tendency for many animals (humans included) to seek acceptance in a community. Even though my desire for acceptance is perfectly natural and good, I want to grow to a point where I attract it without employing unhealthy habits (e.g. being less than authentic).




Being Known + Being Loved and Respected = Real Connection (Intimacy)

I believe we all have a common desire to be accepted. We want to be known. Therein lies the rub, right? The desire to be known creates a problem. We want to be known AND loved and respected. This creates a problem because we all have at least a few less-than-lovable traits. Sometimes, it feels like it would work better as an either-or situation: I could EITHER be known OR loved and respected but wanting both can feel unrealistic. We are all imperfect. I believe our motivation for love and respect is so strong that we often try to present an impression of what we think an acceptable self would be. This does not, however, create real connection. Andre Gide said "It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for something you are not." True, but difficult to practice.



I love impressionist paintings. Many early critics of impressionist painting devalued the lack of detail in the work. By definition, an impressionist painting gives the viewer an impression of a scene. This works beautifully for art (in my opinion) but not so well for character. Trying to get real connection by presenting an impression of what I think an acceptable self would be is like trying to quench my thirst with warm water. It is deeply dissatisfying in that it gets me so close to what I want without actually allowing me to experience it.


If you view me from a distance, I am quite impressive. Up close, however, the image changes. I am impatient, dismissive, and entirely too similar to those loner monkeys I mention above. Those are the flaws I am willing to share. Imagine what I am holding back. Not pretty. If admiring from a distance, I present the impression of a good person. Up close, you see the details I lack. That up-close vantage point is scary. It is what I want to hide. I have learned, however, that the up-close vantage point is the one I have to share if I want to experience real connection. Being loved and respected for who I pretend to be is not nearly as satisfying as being loved and respected despite who I really am.



Being accepted by family is wonderful, but being accepted by a friend is amazing. I especially appreciate the acceptance of my friends because they choose to love me. They are not obligated to be in my life. They know me and choose to remain connected with me. My friend Kate taught me this lesson. She was the first friend who knew almost everything about me. I am strangely adept at compartmentalizing my life (not an entirely good skill). Most of the people who know me only know the one or two segments of my life that I allow them to see. I do not think I am unique for compartmentalizing, but I am unique in that I am so adept at it. My many facets include the would-be musician, the poet, the fiction writer, the teacher, the Christian apologist, the agnostic, and the handful of facets I never share in mixed company. My friendship with Kate, however, shocked me because she somehow infiltrated every area of my life. Her tendency to observe without judging disarmed me. She saw my ugliest, most vulnerable sides and loved me anyway. Sometimes, people see my ugly sides and they tolerate them. Kate did not merely tolerate me. She loved me. That kind of friend makes me feel celebrated. Ironically, the fact that she never told me to change actually inspired me to change. The freedom I felt in our friendship allowed me the space to reflect and aspire to a better me. Life's circumstances have caused us to lose touch, but I will always be grateful for the deep impact she had on my character.



My Commitment

I was drinking my morning cup of coffee when this analogy of impressionist paintings arose several months ago. Whenever I have these new ideas, I journal them to flush out any underlying thoughts. I like to challenge myself by setting new commitments. Here are the 3 commitments I set after flushing out this impressionist idea:

1. When I meet new people now, I do not focus on impressing them. I exercise this commitment by shifting my focus to sharing something authentic. I know this might sound over-simplified, but I am a huge believer in the powerful effect of a slight shift in focus. Imagine this... You are on your way to a party. Let us say you can have two different focuses: everyone in the party is anxious to mingle with you or everyone in the party thinks you are a pretentious idiot unworthy of their attention. Your focus is like a sieve that shrouds your heart; each experience you have will pass through that sieve thereby determining your perception. A person's greeting could be perceived as a curt blow-off or a playful passing comment depending on the focus you have when you enter the room. The slight shift in focus I mention above, therefore, colors every comment I make and creates the opportunity for real connection. It is difficult to truly be authentic if I am struggling to cover imperfections. I share whatever feels real and relevant in the moment with less fear of how it makes me look. Paradoxically, this offers a relief despite being a more vulnerable way of presenting myself.


2. I continuously release my need for praise. Remember that book The 5 Love Languages? My love language has always been "words of affirmation". I have always craved verbal approval. Releasing this need, allows me to approach people without a need for their approval. If I do not need their approval, then I have little need to be less than authentic.


3. I continuously release my expectations of others. I hope my friends continue to be in my life, but if for some reason someone chooses to disconnect or if life's circumstances create a disconnection then I do not resist it. I imagine myself as a leaf floating atop a rushing brook. Life is the rushing brook and I let it carry me without fighting it. No matter what happens, I can choose to be happy. Wayne Dyer once said (I am paraphrasing) there is no way to happiness, happiness is the way. Virginia Woolf is quoted as saying "Arrange whatever pieces come your way". If I told myself my expectations must be met before I can experience happiness, then I greatly reduce the likelihood of my own happiness. If I, however, release my expectations and tell myself I can create my own happiness no matter what occurs then I greatly heighten the likelihood of my own happiness.

Copyright (c) 2009 by Quandra T. McGrue

Gay Marriage and The Christian Church

In November of 2008, my home state of California passed Proposition 8 thereby defining marriage as a union between one man and one woman. This vote was upheld by the California Supreme Court. It is known as the California Marriage Protection Act. It is no surprise that many Christians rallied and picketed to pass this proposition. Is that what Jesus would have done if he were here? California Marriage Protection Act? Protection of marriage from what?



What Affects Our Opinion of Gay Marriage?
Clearly, our perception of homosexuality itself would have an effect on our opinion of gay marriage. I read an interesting article entitled "Strong Support is Found for Ban on Gay Marriage" in the NY Times (Dec 21, 2003) that published some telling numbers concerning national opinions of homosexuality and marriage. The author states the following:

* 53% of pollsters thought marriage was a religious matter. Of those, 71% opposed gay marriage.


* 33% of pollsters thought marriage was a legal matter. Of those, 55% supported gay marriage.


These statistics strongly suggest a link between believing marriage is a religious matter and opposing gay marriage. If these pollsters represent a microcosm of our society, then religion appears to play a commanding role in the issue of gay marriage even if our society is less religious than it used to be. There are many people who do not attend church or consider themselves to be religious, but that pervasive Protestant influence on our nation's birth and development has had a heavy impact on us all.


I hear many fundamentalists (see footnote below) tout two primary reasons for their opposition of gay marriage: the family structure must be protected and homosexuality is a sin.


Protecting the Family Structure
Really? The family structure? Has not the family structure already been pulverized by the high rate of divorce among heterosexuals? The family structure is a patchwork of individuals sewn together by life's circumstances. Was this not true even in the bible days? Husbands, multiple wives, the concubines of the men, the various children of the men and their wives and concubines, and the children produced by the men and their servants. The typical family, therefore, has seldom been only a bland group of one man, one woman, and their 2.5 children. If the family can be defined as a patchwork of individuals sewn together by life's circumstances, then that can include homosexual couples and their children.



Are They Sure Homosexuality is a Sin?
Gays should not marry because homosexuality is a sin? Let us follow that argument. Lying is a sin, right? Are fundamentalists picketing outside the courthouse each time two liars get married? What about when two fornicators get married? Two adulterers? Two people full of pride? The absurdity of Christians wasting time protesting against the marriage of two sinners would be comical if it were not so hateful. My point is that so-called sinners get married every day. The fact that these religious people are protesting against gay marriage because it is a sin while ignoring all the other types of "sinners" who are marrying is a strong indication that they have a bigger problem with homosexuality than sin. What would Jesus think of that?


Many Bigots Can Find Supporting Verses in the Bible
There are verses in the bible that appear to speak against homosexuality (Romans 1:26-27, I Corinthians 6:9). There are also verses (I Timothy 2:11-12) that speak against the leadership roles of women. There are verses (I Peter 2:18, Titus 2:9-10) that could be used to justify slavery. There are even verses (I Corinthians 11:9, I Corinthians 11:3) that appear to validate the lordship of a man over his wife. This society has experienced social movements that have changed our minds about whether women can hold leadership roles in the work place and church, the justification of slavery, and the degree of freedom a woman should experience in marriage. Upon society's movements and enlightenment, the church re-interpreted the same verses that had once been used to oppress women and slaves.



Closing Thoughts
Are we in the midst of a new movement? We have 11 states that sanction the marriage of same-sex couples. That is a long way from the days when a same-sex couple could be arrested for having sex. Are we approaching a day when society no longer vilifies homosexuality? Once we reach that point, will the church then re-interpret the same verses they currently use to justify their protests of gay marriage?

I am not a theologian. I know that theologians would rip apart my thought process and re-package it with clever interpretations in light of the bible culture and the language of the bible texts. This is part of my point though. I am not interested in clever re-workings of bible interpretations. I am interested in the truth and how we know it is the truth. It would seem to me the actual truth would be true despite cultural changes. Truth should be something that transcends culture. Should it not?

The law of gravity, for example, has been operating long before we knew how to explain it. Despite our ignorance, it has not changed as social movements rose and fell. We, however, did not know how to describe this law until Newton did so in the 17th century. The truth of gravity existed long before we could begin to describe it. I think this can be true of our understanding of God's intentions as well. Why cannot the theologians admit God is mysterious? Why must theologians and preachers speak for God as if they totally understand Him? If God is who they say He is, the energy and intellect behind creation, then would it not be reasonable to believe that He is infinitely more intelligent than we? His thoughts and ways are far more sophisticated than our own. He said so in Isaiah 55:8-9. With such a canyon separating our intellect from God's, it would stand to reason that we would not entirely understand Him or His edicts.

My heart bleeds for every homosexual who has experienced pain for either denying their true identity or accepting it. Would Jesus have held a picket sign outside of a courtroom with the phrase "Faggots Burn in Hell"? I cannot imagine He would. When a woman caught in adultery (a sin punishable by death in bible days) was about to be stoned (a lawful act at the time), Jesus did not join the pious stoners. He forgave the woman and challenged those who wanted to stone her. What they were doing was lawful, but Jesus condemned their motives and hateful behavior. I imagine He might respond in a similar way to the religious picketers who protest gay marriage. Not only is it out of line with Christ's character, it is not good marketing. Is a sign that reads "God Hates Fags" supposed to motivate homosexuals to repent and join the picketers' church? God said He attracts people to Himself through love and kindness (Jeremiah 31:3). Hateful signs full of angry accusations are not very loving or kind.

How many slaves died thinking it was God's will that they honor their cruel masters before society learned better? How many women sacrificed their aspirations of leadership before society learned better? How many homosexuals have to live a lie (denying what they feel just to avoid being ostracized) while waiting for society to learn better? Each homosexual who honors their desires makes the idea of homosexuality less queer in the eyes of society. This re-orientation of the heterosexual segment of the population will only add fuel to the movement ablaze. Once this movement changes the laws, will the church re-interpret what God says about homosexuality? Time will tell...

Footnote: I refer to "fundamentalists" and "religious" people throughout this article. I am referring to Christians. While Christianity is not the only religion that opposes homosexuality, it is the only religion I know intimately so it is the only one I am questioning in this particular article.

Additional Comments:

In light of a discussion I had with a friend, I wanted to add a few additional comments.

1. If it is not clear from the article above, I am not against gay marriage. I have no problem with it. Asking me "do you support gay marriage" is equivalent to "do you support the marriage of tall people". I support it in that I am not against it. I see no clear reason to be against it. Had I been in California, I would have voted against Prop 8.
2. I feel the church has a tendency of tossing too many activities in the sin category without much thought. How long did the church say alcohol consumption and dancing were sins? Silly. In this modern age, many of the strictest denominations have trimmed their lists of shall nots.
3. I think it would be easier to take a hard stance on either end of the sin issue: either religion is dead wrong or homosexuality is an offense to God. I think it takes a lot more courage, especially since I am a Christian, to question whether homosexuality is in fact a sin. If it is a sin, then women should not be leaders (neither in church or society) by the same strict interpretation of scripture.
4. I am entirely comfortable saying 'I do not know' what God thinks about homosexuality. How could the church be certain of what God thinks on this issue? They have revamped their understanding of God so many times in the past; their track record suggests they will change their mind about homosexuality eventually. I would not want a doctor to remove my spleen because he thinks it might be infected; if he exacts such a permanent action he better be absolutely certain.

Copyright (c) 2009 by Quandra T. McGrue